#6 Proxemics and Identity (part 2)

In my last post I introduced you to the theory of proxemics (identity being formed from having a sense of belonging and knowing “Who Am I.” in four different spaces.)  Disruption in the development of the psychosocial / spiritual roots of belonging are a main source of dislocation which I will be discussing in future blogs.  All who have experienced dislocation do not become addicts, but all addicts have been dislocated. My use of addiction includes alcohol and other drugs as well as gambling, eating disorders, pornography, shopping etc. We will see the commonality of all addictions in future blogs. But I am getting ahead of myself. 

If you refer to the diagram from my last blog, you will notice there are a series of numbers at the bottom of each space. That is, under Public Space the number is 8, Cultural / Social 4, Personal Friends 2, and Intimate 1. Their purpose is to provide a comparison of the impact of each space on the overall development of identity. Note they add up to 15.

 Identity must be reinforced through life or can be lost. For example consider someone in full blown addiction.  In the Public Space, let’s imagine that their interest, involvement, and conformity in this area is halved giving it a factor of 4. In the Cultural / Social space, the only culture the addict really belongs to is the drug culture and we will give it a 2. Personal Friends are few, and not authentic as it is hard to trust anyone active in the drug culture, so we give it a 1. Our total is now 7. 

Subtracting 7 from 15, leaves 8. The quandary is now where will the addict look to for the other 8 factors of identity?  Most often this is sought through the Intimate Space, and now we can begin to understand co-dependency.  Addict relationships are always toxic as one can never achieve a sense of identity primarily from another person. 

Co-dependency (addiction to another person) is a lack of identity being formed in the spaces other than the Intimate Space. The solution as adults comes from more involvement in the Cultural / Social Space which also enhances identity in the Public Space and Personal Space. Being part of a recovery oriented Cultural /Social Culture may encourage growth in the Public Space like further education, job training, getting over-due medical checkups, paying more attention to nutrition and healthy living habits, or starting to travel to explore other places geographically and culturally.

It is my premise that the church should be the ideal setting for recovery. Couples may attend worship services together, and then participate in individual bible study or other interest groups in the community.  Alanon and Co-dependants Anonymous meetings usually held in church buildings address these issues directly, as do Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous address other addictions. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ Centered group has a nice balance.
They have a brief worship service and then break into smaller groups for specific addictions.

One of my greatest disappointments over 31 years of experience working as an addictions counselor is the few relationships (often including children) that stay together in recovery. If both partners are addicted they rarely get clean and sober at the same time and grow apart. When one continues to use, the temptation is to get drawn back into the addict culture through contact with them.  When only one of a couple has been addicted and the other doesn’t seek help for their co-dependency they often grow apart. Addiction affects the whole family. Children exposed to the ravages of addiction may be overtly abused and are generally neglected. Children also start taking on family roles abdicated by the parents in their preoccupation either with addiction or their partner’s addiction.

My next post will begin to explore the topic of Dislocation as we continue to consider why 1 of 8 people becomes addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

#5 Belonging, Identity and Theory of Proxemics (part 1)

In my last post we started exploring identity and its relationship to addiction. We saw identity is directly related to the psycho-social-spiritual development of a sense of belonging. Now we will begin to explore the theory of proxemics and a study of the "spaces" where belonging and identity develop. Identity must be reinforced through life or can be lost. Not only addiction, but illness, death, trauma or any other life crisis challenge where one feels like they belong. We lose sense of who we are and become dislocated.

   
         PUBLIC SPACE:

How one’s family responds to the issues listed shapes how a child feels like they belong. This development gets its roots primarily in the first eight years of life and generally is also an adaption to social conformity. The factors are inter-dimensional, for example gender and race are seen differently in different geographical areas of the USA and the world in general. People in the northern states read more than those in Florida and California where you can play tennis and golf in the winter.  I am using Religion in the global sense as Muslim, Hindu, Christian etc.  Identification with Sports Teams is seen in the wearing of their team jerseys.

Ethnicity and language have impact particularly if children are raised bilingual and the child forms multicultural identity. Economics and the consequential standard of living can influence the formation of identity. The more affluent feel more privileged as more opportunities present themselves. Poverty on the other hand often limits opportunity. This can carry over to opportunities for education, medical care, hobbies, and even the style of clothing worn as children.   Economics can determine the quality of the community in which one lives including  the possibility of vacation, leisure, and hobbies.      

   SOCIAL - CULTURAL SPACE:

Your definitions of who you are helps you and the other persons in this space to connect, thus nurturing an experience of belonging for all of you. Cultural and social groups have great impact and become a fulcrum to expand and enrich the other spaces shown in the figure above.  By providing contrast they often have the power and influence to alter core values or re-think under-standings formed in the public spaces of childhood. They also provide the contacts where the personal space is developed.

This is an active space where we participate in sports teams rather than watch Team sports. We attend a specific church or church group rather than just identify broadly with a national religion. Neighborhoods used to be cultural / social contacts, and specific neighborhoods would have a distinct identity.  In larger and older cities, there are still “Italian, Jewish, Chinese neighborhoods.” As today's society has less interest in community and service groups, more people are participating in  Starbucks, Facebook, and computer dating.

For adults struggling with identity and belonging issues, cultural and social groups have great impact and are a fulcrum for the other spaces. For example when people become very involved groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, they begin to review incomplete issues from Public Space like going back for more education or skills training. They may get some counseling or begin reflection about life shaping incidents in their formative years. As a fulcrum this space also lends itself to more vital and functional friendships in the personal space.

It is my belief that the church should be the ideal "Social - Cultural - Spiritual Space" for recovery from addiction and other mental maladies. Only 12% of pastors, priests, or rabbis report any formal education on addiction.  It is in this space that I offer my workshops on addictions to local churches and civic organizations.  Recovery requires involved and healthy belonging in this space to overcome the pull of the alcohol and drug abuse culture. The impact of small groups is part of the solution. The ministry of Jesus was primarily to the marginalized of society, and we must guard from becoming exclusively churches for the churched.  

     PERSONAL SPACE:

It is important it is to have authentic friendships in the formation and maintenance of identity.  The dynamics of Personal Space are birthed naturally out of Cultural / Social space. When we have shared ourselves and our story, listened to others, and feel like we belong, personal relationships will develop with individuals wanting to spend more time together.   Relating to each other’s story, the individuals begin to take risks with self disclosure. Gradually finding that they are not being judged or criticized, promotes more self disclosure always contingent on a compatible level of comfort and emotional safety. Some relationships reach a certain level, and do not precede towards sharing our most private experiences, feelings and thoughts.

Ideally, balance is having at least three to five authentic relationships. People with quality sobriety count on these relationships as critical in their lives and many express having many more than suggested. These relationships need to be of the same sex.  Identity as a man is gained through his relationship with men, not through the projections of women and conversely women bonding with other women.  The openness required in this space complicates the relationships between sexes and too easily spill over to the next level reserved for wives or prospective wives. Men learn how to treat women from other men and women learn about relating to men from other women. Inter-gender relationships are important, just not at the level of intimacy of these authentic  friendships. 

   INTIMATE SPACE:

This space is reserved for the exclusive and most intimate relationships that are also sexual. This process of this mystical spiritual / sexual union is described biblically as “two becoming one.” There is a shared identity ("the one") that is unique among all other relationships.  And yet paradoxically, this union cannot happen unless each of the couple is secure in their own separate identity ("the “two”), formed in the previous spaces just commented upon.

Husbands and wives belong to each other in four spaces even though marriage will not meet all the individual spatial belongings necessary for identity. Marriage announcements are usually public in newspapers and social media.. Often couples wear wedding rings which proclaim their joint identity   Socially / culturally /spiritually couples regularly redefine themselves beginning from “boy friend—girl friend” progressing to “engaged“ to "newlyweds and husband—wife” to “parents and mother—father.” We admire couples who identify each other as “my best friend.” The disruption of relationships disrupts the couples other spatial identity reinforcement as well.

Paradoxically, the best solution for struggling relationships is more involvement in the Cultural – Social space where “Public Identity” (the first space) can be salvaged or maintained. The more secure “I am” the more available I can be to who “you are.”

Lack of a secure identity is one of the many factors in understanding the complexity of addiction.   My next post will deal with addiction and the theory of proxemics more specifically.

#4 Identity and Belonging

Life has some big questions.  What is the meaning of life and is there a purpose?  Why am I here?  Is there a God and is He involved? These are just a few.  I think the big questions in life can be answered by knowing our identity.  All of the big questions become Who am I?  The answers to this question are a key to our identity.  The best way I can illustrate this is to encourage you to take a notepad, write at the top I am... and start itemizing your responses.  Then expand this by itemizing I am a person who...

Identity is shaped by our developmental sense of belonging and where we experience recognition and acceptance.  We initially gain this from birth in our families.  After their basic survival and instinctive needs are met, children move to the all important emotional development of being loved and belonging. Then we look for belonging in public places like school and activities, and then with our involvement in social or cultural groups where we experiment with where we feel like we fit. If this development of identity is arrested, flawed, dysfunctional, or traumatic, then issues of identity are to be expected. It becomes a sense of being dislocated (or lost). We don’t have a secure sense of belonging, the most critical issue of emotional development and a link to understanding addiction.

In summary, this developmental process begins as an infant, is shaped initially through parenting, expands into the local community and ultimately expands to be influenced by the world and universe.

But even if we grow up with the healthiest development and sense of psychosocial identity, there is still a larger issue of spiritual identity. Sadly this is one that is often ignored. If this is not resolved then one will form attachments to individuals and groups that are poor imitations. What is my identity in terms of the universe? It is a primary perception. One of my favorite passages in the Old Testament is when God told Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses asked who he should tell the people has sent him?  God answered "I AM WHO I AM" (Exodus 3:14).  Another is found in the New Testament  where it states I am a "new creation" in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

On your I Am list you might modify the title to I am a person who believes... and list your faith beliefs, your value system. Then on your list modify the next title to I am a person who desires to...  to itemize where you feel your identity is leading to in the future.

“Each of us needs to belong, not just to one person, but to a family, friends, a group and a culture. It is only through belonging that we can break out of the shell of individualism and self-centeredness that both protects and isolates us."                            Jean Vanier: Becoming Human.   
                   
The next post will explore the formation of identity in more detail and its relationship to addiction. Thanks so much for those who have been writing in response to this recent series of posts on addiction. I have enjoyed the interaction with questions and comments, allowing me to be in touch more personally.

Ross