PUBLIC SPACE:
How one’s family responds to
the issues listed shapes how a child feels like they belong. This development
gets its roots primarily in the first eight years of life and generally is also an adaption to social conformity. The factors are inter-dimensional, for example
gender and race are seen differently in different geographical areas of the USA
and the world in general. People in the northern states read more than those in
Florida and California where you can play tennis and golf in the winter.
I am using Religion in the global sense as Muslim, Hindu, Christian etc.
Identification with Sports Teams is seen in the wearing of their team
jerseys.
Ethnicity and language have
impact particularly if children are raised bilingual and the child forms
multicultural identity. Economics and the consequential standard of
living can influence the formation of identity. The more affluent feel more
privileged as more opportunities present themselves. Poverty on the other hand
often limits opportunity. This can carry over to opportunities for education,
medical care, hobbies, and even the style of clothing worn as
children. Economics can determine the quality of the community in
which one lives including the possibility of vacation, leisure, and
hobbies.
SOCIAL - CULTURAL SPACE:
Your definitions of who you are
helps you and the other persons in this space to connect, thus nurturing an
experience of belonging for all of you. Cultural and social groups have great
impact and become a fulcrum to expand and enrich the other spaces shown in the
figure above. By providing contrast they often have the power and
influence to alter core values or re-think under-standings formed in the public
spaces of childhood. They also provide the contacts where the personal space is
developed.
This is an active space where
we participate in sports teams rather than watch Team sports. We attend a
specific church or church group rather than just identify broadly with a national religion.
Neighborhoods used to be cultural / social contacts, and specific neighborhoods
would have a distinct identity. In larger and older cities, there are
still “Italian, Jewish, Chinese neighborhoods.” As
today's society has less interest in community and service groups, more people
are participating in Starbucks, Facebook, and computer dating.
For adults struggling with
identity and belonging issues, cultural and social groups have great impact and
are a fulcrum for the other spaces. For example when people become very
involved groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, they begin to review incomplete
issues from Public Space like going back for more education or skills training.
They may get some counseling or begin reflection about life shaping incidents
in their formative years. As a fulcrum this space also lends itself to more
vital and functional friendships in the personal space.
It is my belief that the church
should be the ideal "Social - Cultural - Spiritual Space" for
recovery from addiction and other mental maladies. Only 12% of pastors,
priests, or rabbis report any formal education on addiction. It is in this
space that I offer my workshops on addictions to local churches and civic
organizations. Recovery requires involved and healthy belonging in this
space to overcome the pull of the alcohol and drug abuse culture. The impact of
small groups is part of the solution. The ministry of Jesus was primarily to
the marginalized of society, and we must guard from becoming exclusively
churches for the churched.
PERSONAL SPACE:
It is important it is to have
authentic friendships in the formation and maintenance of identity. The
dynamics of Personal Space are birthed naturally out of Cultural / Social
space. When we have shared ourselves and our story, listened to others, and
feel like we belong, personal relationships will develop with individuals
wanting to spend more time together. Relating to each other’s
story, the individuals begin to take risks with self disclosure. Gradually
finding that they are not being judged or criticized, promotes more self
disclosure always contingent on a compatible level of comfort and emotional
safety. Some relationships reach a certain level, and do not precede towards
sharing our most private experiences, feelings and thoughts.
Ideally, balance is having at
least three to five authentic relationships. People with quality sobriety count
on these relationships as critical in their lives and many express having many
more than suggested. These relationships need to be of the same sex.
Identity as a man is gained through his relationship with men, not through the
projections of women and conversely women bonding with other women. The
openness required in this space complicates the relationships between sexes and
too easily spill over to the next level reserved for wives or prospective
wives. Men learn how to treat women from other men and women learn about
relating to men from other women. Inter-gender relationships are important,
just not at the level of intimacy of these authentic friendships.
INTIMATE SPACE:
This
space is reserved for the exclusive and most intimate relationships that are
also sexual. This process of this mystical spiritual / sexual union is
described biblically as “two becoming one.” There is a shared identity
("the one") that is unique among all other relationships. And
yet paradoxically, this union cannot happen unless each of the couple is secure
in their own separate identity ("the “two”), formed in the previous spaces
just commented upon.
Husbands and wives belong to
each other in four spaces even though marriage will not meet all the individual
spatial belongings necessary for identity. Marriage announcements are usually
public in newspapers and social media.. Often couples wear wedding rings which
proclaim their joint identity Socially / culturally /spiritually
couples regularly redefine themselves beginning from “boy friend—girl friend”
progressing to “engaged“ to "newlyweds and husband—wife” to “parents and
mother—father.” We admire couples who identify each other as “my best friend.”
The disruption of relationships disrupts the couples other spatial identity
reinforcement as well.
Paradoxically, the best
solution for struggling relationships is more involvement in the Cultural –
Social space where “Public Identity” (the first space) can be salvaged or
maintained. The more secure “I am” the more available I can be to who “you
are.”
Lack of a secure identity is
one of the many factors in understanding the complexity of addiction. My next post will deal with addiction and the
theory of proxemics more specifically.
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